You know, you write a column a few months ago about a guy and how he isn't winning in the ISF and look what happens.
He rips off four wins in seven races and looks to be unbeatable for the GTP championship. He would be the first driver to win both the GTP and HOCC championships in the same year.
My writing colleague, Cornelius Funt, has once again opened the debate on whether Larry Rotter or
While it is easy to compare stats between the two drivers to find the answer,
there are some things about Larry Rotter's career that are not as well known and may tip the balance in his favor. You've heard of Chuck Norris and his feats of strength? Larry Rotter is the Chuck Norris of racing.
Some of these facts are:
-Larry is so fast he can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 84 seconds
-Light is jealous of Larry's speed
-Larry named his feet "gas" and "brake"
-Larry sued Dale Ernhardt over the use of the name "The Intimidator"
-The computer system that controls the engine mapping in Larry's car makes 1,286 calculations
every second. We know this because Larry counted them by hand...twice!
-Larry doesn't lose races, he just lets other drivers borrow his winners trophy-Larry doesn't read race data reports. He stares at them until he's absorbed all he needs to know
-Larry can judge a book by its cover
-Larry has counted to infinity-twice!
-Larry is so fast he can lap the field and spin himself out from behind
-Gene Roddenberry and George Lucas got their ideas for
Warp speed and Hyperspace after watching Larry race
-Larry is who "Willis was talkin' about"
-Larry doesn't need a stopwatch to time his laps, he decides what each lap time is
-Larry and Superman are the only two people that have enough speed when traveling to make the earth rotate backwards
-FedEx calls Larry "when it absolutely positively has to be there overnight"
-Larry's race cars only have three tires to give his opponents a chance to beat him
-The movie "Driven" was based on Larry playing with Matchbox cars when he was a kid
-When Larry does long division, there are no remainders
-The best laid plans of mice and men go awry, except for Larry's that go off without a hitch
-Larry can blow bubbles with beef jerky
-Larry is so fast he can cook minute rice in 12 seconds
-Larry only signs autographs with invisible ink so he doesn't ruin the value of the pictures
-Larry doesn't pass cars, he wills the other drivers to slow down
-Larry can win any chess game in three moves
-During a race, Larry's tires actually turn square in shape. If they stayed round he would break the sound barrier
-God created the world in 6 days. On the 7th day he raced Larry and lost two of three races.
-The only man who can beat Larry is...Chuck Norris
Until next time...it's not bad being in the pits!
Steve "The Wrench" Ratchett
This article was originally published in 2007
